I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

 

Ever since I was a little girl college student, I have dreamed of one day having officiating the wedding of my your dreams. Thanks to the internetís magical powers, people everywhere can easily become non-denominational ordained ministers with the slightest of ease. I first learned about this in 2005 when someone I knew had to have a quickie wedding for immigration purposes. The father of the groom was the perfect choice for them Ė not only was he family but he was kind enough to perform the ceremony free of charge.

Ever since then, I have been hoping to do it. Although I love being the center of attention, even I recognize that it is beyond gauche to be anything other than a supporting player at a wedding that is not my own. Outside of being a brideís maid, officiating a wedding is the best way to get my share of the limelight I am so thoroughly not entitled to but covet nonetheless. I havenít had the opportunity yet.

Oh, Iíve tried to lobby for myself in the past. I casually offered when my oldest brother was getting married. Much to my chagrin, he and my sister-in-law went with a different non-denominational clergy person. Later, two of my close friends were engaged and I tried a bit harder. It felt a lot like trying to get someone to take me to prom Ė I didnít want them to have to forcefully reject me but I wanted to make my interest clear.

When I was in high school I thought it was a great sign of social prestige to attend as many formals and proms as possible Ė specifically those which required you to be the guest of someone in a higher grade or a different school which was cooler than going to one you simply had to purchase a ticket for. And so I tried more than once to nonchalantly garner invitations. It was sort of pathetic because these campaigns were far from covert and unsuccessful to boot. As was my attempt to convince my friends Marc and Erin to allow me the honor of marrying them. (Yet again, the groomís father officiated the event instead which I reluctantly agreed was more appropriateÖ)

I had semi-forgotten this dream until I saw the photos for the wedding of another pair of friends who recently got married. They gave one of their closest friends the honor of marrying them. Finally Ė a non-family member ministering for friends of mine! There is reason to hope that maybe someone, someday will ask me!

But I wonít wait for it to fall in my lap. As time passes, I grow increasingly shameless. Not only because I have nothing to lose (any semblance of dignity I may possess is so tattered and worn that it would hardly be worth clinging to), but also because Iím transparent whether I want to be or not. Time to give up the jig andadvertise the fact that it would be my pleasure to share your thunder on the most special day of your life.

Not only do I relish the fact that high school is over for all of the obvious reasons, I love the way proms have long been replaced by weddings. While I acknowledge that there are other occasions in which people dress up and dance Ė proms and weddings are the most prevalent. But weddings are better. [Free booze!] So although I am invited to plenty of weddings, I just want to let it be known that I donít even have to know you - Iíll marry you anyway.

Iíve got it all worked out. Iíll interview the bride and groom to get a feel for your personalities. Iíd also like access to a few of your friends and family members. Maybe Iíll compose a survey for you to fill out. I havenít exactly worked out all of the details of the process yet but Iím sure Iíll have no problem composing a made-to-order non-denominational sermon/speech/proclamation that will add sparkle to your special day.

The internet is a magical and beautiful thing, not only making it possible for me to become ordained but it also enables me to advertise to the entire universe that I want to marry you. Badly. In fact, Iíll also take any maid-of-honor/best man speeches youíve got laying around off of your hands. Need someone to cover the father-son/mother-father dance? Hell Ė Iíll even stand in for someone at alter if youíll cover my travel expenses to and from the wedding!

I look forward to hearing from you.